Sep 25·edited Sep 25Liked by Regan Arntz-Gray, Vaishnav Sunil
Really enjoyed this episode! I recently read 'Marry Him' by Lori Gottlieb and a lot of the dating advice you guys gave (distinguishing between must-haves and nice-to-haves) was very similar to hers.
Personally I’ve never used dating apps as the filter of meeting someone online feels so intuitively wrong. If I want to see if she’s a potential long term partner I need to meet her in person, in a non dating context (a date as a first encounter feels too ‘performative’ and inauthentic). I need to be able to see as much as possible what she’s ‘really’ like before I could consider a relationship.
Yeah, we talked about this briefly on our episode with Alex Kaschuta as well, but I agree that it really is an awkward setting to see each other for the first time on a date - very interview like for sure.
Finally the other problem with dating app (I think this was discussed), is what we think we want on paper and we need in practice out of a potential partner are not uncommonly two different things.
Had a very similar experience when I was single. I do think interests/hobbies are the way to go but some hobbies are better filters than others. If someone wants to discuss philosophy, that’s a much stronger signal to me than if someone liked wine as much as me. The misstep here is to assume pursuing these interests will immediately lead to meeting more women. That was not my experience given most of my interests disproportionately attract men but I still tjjnk it’s better in the long run, since expanding your social network (even purely with men) still increases your expected chance of finding a good match in the long run.
Agree. Pursuing interests is a good thing regardless of whether you meet a potential future partner doing them. I also often find things show up in my life when I’m not expecting them to but then I think, yes that’s exactly what wanted! So yes pursuing interests purely to get a girlfriend is the wrong mentality. Pursuing interests because you want to do it anyway- then the right partner shows up at some point (in a potentially completely unrelated way)
I can’t verify this statistic but something like 80% of jobs are found through word of mouth/referral, not through advertising. To be honest this also matches my experience with finding jobs. Most jobs I’ve got are word of mouth (with a couple of exceptions). I’m also pretty good at finding jobs I’m ideally suited to. This requires a good sense of yourself and your preferences.
I’m looking for a job right now and have basically decided not to bother with applications where I don’t have a referral (at least not until referrals stop producing interviews). I think if you’re someone who’s qualifications on paper are very close to those needed in the job description / who does particularly well on legible metrics, online applications make sense, but otherwise much better to go word of mouth route. Vaish talked about this in this post: https://www.everythingisatrolley.com/p/liquid-vs-illiquid-careers?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Really enjoyed this episode! I recently read 'Marry Him' by Lori Gottlieb and a lot of the dating advice you guys gave (distinguishing between must-haves and nice-to-haves) was very similar to hers.
Thanks, Muhan! I’ll have to check her out I’m not familiar with her but I’ve heard the name before for sure
Personally I’ve never used dating apps as the filter of meeting someone online feels so intuitively wrong. If I want to see if she’s a potential long term partner I need to meet her in person, in a non dating context (a date as a first encounter feels too ‘performative’ and inauthentic). I need to be able to see as much as possible what she’s ‘really’ like before I could consider a relationship.
Yeah, we talked about this briefly on our episode with Alex Kaschuta as well, but I agree that it really is an awkward setting to see each other for the first time on a date - very interview like for sure.
Btw, I’m reasonably good at approaching women
Excellent.
Finally the other problem with dating app (I think this was discussed), is what we think we want on paper and we need in practice out of a potential partner are not uncommonly two different things.
Had a very similar experience when I was single. I do think interests/hobbies are the way to go but some hobbies are better filters than others. If someone wants to discuss philosophy, that’s a much stronger signal to me than if someone liked wine as much as me. The misstep here is to assume pursuing these interests will immediately lead to meeting more women. That was not my experience given most of my interests disproportionately attract men but I still tjjnk it’s better in the long run, since expanding your social network (even purely with men) still increases your expected chance of finding a good match in the long run.
Agree. Pursuing interests is a good thing regardless of whether you meet a potential future partner doing them. I also often find things show up in my life when I’m not expecting them to but then I think, yes that’s exactly what wanted! So yes pursuing interests purely to get a girlfriend is the wrong mentality. Pursuing interests because you want to do it anyway- then the right partner shows up at some point (in a potentially completely unrelated way)
I can’t verify this statistic but something like 80% of jobs are found through word of mouth/referral, not through advertising. To be honest this also matches my experience with finding jobs. Most jobs I’ve got are word of mouth (with a couple of exceptions). I’m also pretty good at finding jobs I’m ideally suited to. This requires a good sense of yourself and your preferences.
Though I’m also single…
I’m looking for a job right now and have basically decided not to bother with applications where I don’t have a referral (at least not until referrals stop producing interviews). I think if you’re someone who’s qualifications on paper are very close to those needed in the job description / who does particularly well on legible metrics, online applications make sense, but otherwise much better to go word of mouth route. Vaish talked about this in this post: https://www.everythingisatrolley.com/p/liquid-vs-illiquid-careers?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
All the best!